Hef needs a successor

[Brian Sorgatz]

Hugh Hefner is an archetypal king. When he passes on, someone should replace 
him in this capacity. Yes, it's good to be the king. But being the king's 
subject has certain psychic rewards of its own. There seems to be something 
in the human heart that responds enthusiastically to monarchy. To parody 
Pascal, the heart has its reasons that democracy knows nothing of. Hefner's 
opulent lifestyle, like that of any monarch, is a kind of performance art. 
In a sense, he enjoys himself on behalf of us all; his pleasures are our 
pleasures.

The world of Playboy has many of the trappings of monarchy or aristocracy, 
such as lines of descent (As I suggested in an earlier post, each new 
Playmate inherits Marilyn Monroe's legacy), elaborate hierarchies (Cyber 
Girl of the Week, Cyber Girl of the Month, Cyber Girl of the Year), and 
honorific titles with fastidious rules for their use (No woman is ever to be 
called a "former Playmate").

This quasi-royalism has value, I think, beyond its sentimental appeal. 
Through it, Playboy makes an invaluable social and philosophical statement. 
I am grateful to belong to a democratic society that professes an 
egalitarian ideal. But like any great idea, equality has its limits. It can 
sometimes promote an ethic of mediocrity and conformity, as the first 
paragraph of the Kurt Vonnegut short story "Harrison Bergeron" demonstrates:

>The year was 2081, and everybody was finally equal. They
>weren't only equal before God and the law. They were
>equal every which way. Nobody was smarter than anybody
>else. Nobody was better looking than anybody else.
>Nobody was stronger or quicker than anybody else. All
>this equality was due to the 211th, 212th, and 213th
>Amendments to the Constitution, and to the unceasing
>vigilance of agents of the United States Handicapper
>General.

In this dystopia, intelligent people are handicapped with radio headphones 
that pump distracting noises into their ears. Strong people and graceful 
people carry heavy weights. Beautiful people wear goofy masks. This is broad 
satire, to be sure. But I think that Vonnegut is on to something when I hear 
Janeane Garofalo condemn supermodels as "genetic freaks," or when I read of 
pressure groups calling for more "representative" images of women in 
magazines. Try to imagine a movement for NFL or NBA players who represent 
the athletic abilities of the average man.

How does one cope with the unfairness of the wildly uneven distribution of 
gifts and talents? The 1984 film Amadeus tells the story of a man who fails 
to cope. In his youth, Salieri believes that hard work and clean living 
alone can earn him greatness. Alas, hard work is usually necessary but never 
sufficient, and clean living may have nothing to do with the matter at all.

Playboy is famous for doing battle with Puritanism in the arenas of 
sexuality and civil liberties. We can also credit it with offering a cure 
for Salieri's Puritan work ethic. The media often describe the Playboy 
Mansion as a source of envy, but they miss the point. The aesthetic forms of 
monarchy and aristocracy encourage us to sublimate our envy by transforming 
it into admiration. If Salieri could truly admire Mozart in this way, he 
wouldn't become a bitter, spiteful old man.

So who shall be the next king of Playboy? Who shall live a life of wine, 
women, and song? Hey, I've got an idea. . .

Brian Sorgatz